Out of the Blue

Im into the 31st week. Which means around 6-7 weeks to full term (of 37 weeks). The third trimester is proving to be challenging in some ways. I never expected I'd grow to be sensitive to smells- cigarette, feng you, cooked food packets on train. It makes me breathless and nauseas. Tired-ness took on a different meaning from the first trimester. Of course it was exhausting then and nothing like that has ever hit me. This few weeks I've been getting the lethargy, the short spans of energy bursts after which I'm busted for the day. It's been harder to get up, to fall into sleep, to sit or walk for long. The tummy gets more pronounced, heavier and I'm slower. Usually zonked, I dont respond as much. My mind is active but it doesn't necessarily translate to expressions or words these days. Somehow there is a desire to get this over and done with- not in a frustrated way but just naturally hoping to see the baby I've been carrying for the past month...

It's been about 7 months.  Pregnancy, like my cousin told me "is over quite soon", and I didn't quite get it at first. Looking forward, I realise there's just about two months more before I'd see Kayla! So I thought I should recall and note some things about pregnancy (both matter of facts and surprises) before I forget them altogether. The most common questions I get and find it a little tiring to keep answering is, "Is it a boy or girl?  Have you thought of her name?"  I never thought I'd get a maternal swim suit and swim with my baby in me! I love to wear those black, soft swishy pants that wrap around my belly nicely. I don't really expect people to give up their seats on the MRT and buses but off on and they do, and I'm embarrassed about it! It took me about 4-5 months of pregnancy to really get into the baby details - what I need to do, get, eat.  I look forward to Qingwen talking and morse-coding to the baby every night:)...

Dear Kayla, (a name both Daddy and Mummy wish you will like) It thrills Mummy and Daddy that you've been growing and kicking inside, especially more recently.  We are grateful that you are healthy and active. Sometimes, I try to imagine seeing you come out from me, all red and cute - I know that marks a special beginning - of life with Kayla. You know that Daddy really loves you?  I know from his daily singing to you (you must have heard), his tapping on my tummy so that you'd respond.  His anxious looks when I come back home late or look really tired.  And I'm so glad he's your Daddy. I fear myself becoming a bad Mummy to you at times.  Cos I may misunderstand you, the crying you might make, the naughty things you could do.  But I also want to be the best Mummy I can be for you. As my tummy keeps growing bigger and bigger, I know the day draws nearer and nearer.  I'd muster my greatest courage and smile to see you through into this world, so...

Our BTO in the works It dawned on me today that I've never really been able to let myself make mistakes. In an BTO exercise about two years ago, we chose a unit and we didn't even check the compass.  Today I walked past it, and saw that our block was climbing storeys but oh dear the setting sun was shining brightly into the windows!  It faces the west! Worry set in - what if we come home to a hot house every day?  And later if we want to sell, no one would buy it?  After some anxious googling of solutions and finding nothing, I was frustrated - with myself. As I switched on my twitter deck almost like a reflex after I turned off my safari, I read this. "Jesus doesn't condemn legitimate concern, but rather the continuous mindset that dismisses God's presence." (Max Lucado) My soul stirred.  I realised I've let me take over and really dismissed God.  I began to pray. I don't think that shifted any direction of the setting sun.  But I wa...

Sharing a devotion @AGM I must be one of those whom cannot stop working after I officially retire.  At four and a half months of pregnancy, my mind is really still all about work and ministry.  I can't let go yet I know, at least emotionally. It has been coming to 8 years on staff.  I've been burnt out before, discouraged and disappointed at some point in time.  But I've experienced the most wonderful things of my life during this period as well - finding good friends, getting married and having my own home, and learning about leadership. But changes are part of life and God has graciously moved me along to a new phase of life called motherhood.  I'd have to put down what I've held on dearly - the heated and passionate discussions with my staff friends about ministry, challenging of students to follow Jesus, the little adventures each day brings on campus.   In this very midst of changes, I know God is drawing me into a deeper road with Him - 'a pilg...

Before we catch Lion King @MBS I'm a lazy writer.  Can't believe my last post was in Jan!  So much has happened since then.  1. I've celebrated my big 30. 2. I'm pregnant.  3. Life will turn 180 degrees come next Feb Yes it's been a roller coaster ride since the two lines I saw at the end of May.  We saw a gynae in early May to have a body check up, cos I felt paranoid about my bad menstrual cramps that landed me in cold sweat, vomiting and diarrhoea sometimes.  The gynae pronounced me in good shape and predicted we should be able to conceive in six months time.  But no, it happened right away. Fast forward, it's been 4 months since.  Life definitely has changed for me.  I'm no where near efficient in anything - ministry or housework.  I get frustrated about it but at the same time it has forced me to appreciate the help of others more, to enjoy the grace of God more than before. Our relationship underwent chan...

He was physically handicapped.  But during the praise and worship, he clapped his hands joyfully.  His head jerked uncontrollably sometimes but he was clearly enjoying himself in the church.  It was the first time he came after being invited by Qingwen yesterday.  He probably knew alot about Christianity but had not committed his life to Jesus.  Qingwen told me he was worried he was too "sinful" to be a Christian.  What a confession. God amazed me again by bringing Willis, a boy whom came to Sunday School a long time ago last year and prayed and received Christ.  He had forgotten about the incident apparently.  But today, he came back with fresh questions about "baptism" and the significance of "sacrifice".   A man on wheelchair and a boy looking for truth.  May they find their deepest and greatest need met by the Lord God who has been seeking them!

A mission trip to Tokyo wasn't in my radar.  But preparation for it went underway in October when I was assigned to lead it. I brought 9 students along on this trip.  Qingwen was (thankfully) with me and so was Henry.  It wasn't easy handling the different personalities and needs.  But I believed the trip was divinely arranged as we squared off one another at different points of the trip.  It was definitely a refresher in discipling students! The cold air ushered a whole new world for us as we stepped out of Narita Airport.  After a two hr bus ride, we met our local staff host Sok Yee, whom is an amazing lady by the way.  She handled our pre trip arrangemements with the hotel, church and many other nitty gritty details.  I thank God for her. I ate my first Mc Pork at the Mac and loved it.  We took the train to our hotel and that was the quietest ride I've ever experienced in my life.  There seems to be an invisibe inst...

Last Saturday,  I was at Mass Media (Crusade Bookstore) trying to get some materials for my Sunday School kids (and wishing secretly that I'd something for myself)  I saw this book called "31 Days Toward Intimacy with God" and decided to buy it for my soul. And as I read through the introduction, it was as if God was saying.  "Stay close to Me- and this is what it means." "When we suffer, we realize we are not handling theological ideas, we are rather being handled a Person-the warm and intimate Person of the Lord Jesus.  At other times, when life is rosier, we may slide by with knowing about Him.  With imitating Him and quoting Him and speaking of Him.  But only in the fellowship of suffering will we know Jesus.  We identify with Him at the point of His deepest humilitaion.  The cross, symbol of His greatest suffering, becomes our personal touchpoint with the Lord of the universe."~Joni Erickson Tada, 31 Days towards intimacy with God Someho...

This past July has been the longest month I've ever experienced.  Being in charge of recruitment this year, work started for me right from March or so, with trickles of Admin and meetings mounting to peak in July. Freshman Camp, Matriculation Fair, online surveys and CORS Bidding help..things rolled from one thing to another while my energy dissipated uncontrollably.  There were a few nights where I stared at the TV screen, with energy left only to blink my eyes.  On other days, headaches arrested me without warning, leaving me unable to work. Through it, it wasn't merely the work that drained me.  More than that, it included disappointments with students, disagreements with colleagues, personal grunts and wrestling with God about stuff. In the midst of the cauldron of  despair and waiting for July to be over, I heard His tender, unexpected voice.  "Stay close to Me." For a while, things about me seemed to freeze.  My world just blanked abit as...

Reading through the book of Jeremiah now as part of my long overdue goal to finish reading the bible over once, I feel like it is a mirror to the state of my heart in this season of life and ministry. A verse that my eyes roved over and over again for the past few days Jer 9:23-24 "Thus says the Lord: "Let not the wise boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boasts in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practises steadfast love, justice and righteousness in the earth.  For in these things I delight, declares the Lord." Pride has been my number one nemesis in life.  As a child, good grades,  popularity and medals grew my head till everything I prided on came tumbling down in JC.  He pulled me down to earth and that began my journey of trusting in Jesus. Seven years has passed since I joined staff.  I entered full time ministry as a kid really,...

Yesterday in church we had Good Friday program for the Sunday School.  The highlight was a 20min showing of movie clip "Narnia Chronicles" followed by group discussions and presentations.  I didn't know if it was a good idea.  But I thought it'd be an interesting way to remember the significance of the cross and resurrection. I thought it turned out alright but I thought what might have made it better were: 1. Prayer - We didn't really pray alot abt it. 2. A pre-listing of similarities for the teachers- to help them as they guide the group discussions. 3. Reflection time- for personal response I realized it is not so easy to engage the 11-18year olds, many of whom are still grappling with identity issues and perhaps their place as kids born in Christian families.  How do they like to be approached?  how to we get responses from them?  I hope I could learn more about how to connect with them.

A few days ago, we celebrated our birthdays in a "picturesque " way.  I've been feeling rather guilty for not really spending time with Qingwen on his birthday (18th) cos I had to be at NUS that day.  Furthermore, I wasn't feeling well and was grouchy that day too, sigh:( But I took leave on the 24th, wanting to celebrate a belated birthday with him and also for myself ha (mine's 25th).  I had this idea of cycling and movie at Pasir Ris Downtown East.  But we got up late, had breakfast at Mac's and lazily and contentedly did QT after that. Movie was up next and we enjoyed "Alice in the Wonderland".  It was really good for me cos I haven't been seeing much since an eye infection a week ago.  Just as we were heading to the park, the dark clouds rolled nearer and nearer till it drizzled.  So we changed plans and headed to IKEA.  We thought at least we could get a mirror to replace the one blown and smashed to bits by the strong wind 2 weeks ago....

I felt like I've just survived 10 days of the new year.  Not in an unhappy way, but with a really grateful heart. We began the first day of 2010 at the crematorium, where Qingwen's uncle was laid to rest.  I did not know him much except that I served him tea at the wedding.  While not very emotional, I was reminded of life's brevity and the need to focus.  After all, we can't be sure how much time we've left in this life. Some days later, I was talking with a good friend on the taxi.  She's pregnant, and we were all excited over her and coming newborn. Of course, she was encouraging me to start a family soon too.  Being a pessimist all my life, I said it is tough to hope.  What if God didn't intend it the way we hope?  Say for childless couples or  couples who've experienced the birth and subsequently death of their children? It might be better not to hope or think about it lest I be disappointed. "Then I think we really need to look no...

In the meantime, we are staying at a rented place in Seng Kang, kindly at a very affordable rate by the landlord, and previously occupied by our colleagues n good friends. God has really given us more than a home, literally.  We've been settling in this place for a few weeks.  I was amazed how we could see the sunrise every morning- it's a free 'visual' alarm by the way- as light pours into the room. One thing that resulted from childhood was an interest to cook.  Not that I'm really good at it, cos I've tasted better dishes.  But it's happy memories whenever I try to put together a meal. Here are some try-outs.  Somehow IKEA plates and bowls make them look nicer I believe.  It really helps when Shop n Save is just downstairs!  (NTUC is still my fav tho;) That's chicken spaghetti.  I haven't actually found a sauce I really like, it's been all bit too sour.  But celery prawn salad balanced it up I hope.   Yong Tau Foo Soup...

Our BTO flat is in the works.  There's nothing except for cranes and the plot is all barricaded.  It somehow feels strange to me that I'm seeing my home eventually in 2012, from nothing literally.  

When I walked down the aisle, I was a very scared bride. I was very happy but also very scared. It would be the biggest decision of my life next to receiving Jesus and I have no idea what life would be like after that. Getting married has posed the toughest discipleship challenge in my life, more than living in a single parent family or joining staff. It is not so much about my other half as it is with myself. When I said 'yes', I typically thought of the white lovely gown and life with the one I love. But as the wedding date drew nearer, I remember myself not caring about the beauty of the special day and not even looking forward to our life together. In one of my most emotional times before the big day, I told God it felt like I was in Gethsamane. Where dreams, unborn, were buried. It wasn't cos my Dad didn't want to walk me down the aisle (he did finally thank God), nor because my Mum wasn't there. It wasn't cos we didn't have money to go to somew...

We spent the morning after fishball mee @kopitiam at a small park nearby, sitting on a bench with the playground before us. There were noises-birds cooing, kids playing and cars whizzing. It was still serene. I looked at him and he did his bad-man eyebrow twitch. "What?" "Flirting with you. Okok I'm irritating you." "Thanks ar" Half the time, after every few sentences, I have to go back and explain which "Jason" I was talking about, or rephrase a sentence. And I got super irritated. "I'm in a box ma" "Which one?" A friend recently told me we are an interesting couple. "You are blur and he's straight." Well, yep that's us, interestingly, for better or for worse.

Over a conversation with a good friend and mentor, we came to a question of I was too harsh on myself. At first thought, I didn't think so. What then made her think so? Is is cos I worry alot? Critical of myself and others? Easily discouraged or disappointed? How then can I balance between truth and grace? Strict Training vs Trying? Pondering

The highlight of my day was to meet up with a gal, an ex-student whom I discipled indirectly in the past. She's working now, and I was going to pass her some shoes and blouses that were new but I couldn't wear. It was great to see her again after a period of time, in a new phase of life. We shared about how we were, the challenges that we had in the past and how they are now. There seemed a sense of continuity. Like discipleship did not end when she graduated. She has become more steady in her faith than when I met her, and even when she just graduated earlier this year. While she told me about how she chided a dear friend about relationship problems, I can't help but notice that she would never do that in the past. It was a short chat. Before we parted, I told her to read Rom 12:1-2 and pray about serving in an area in church. She took the stuff from me and left. I felt encouraged, maybe because someone God brought to my path to disciple a few years ago is still...