Pre Wedding Blues
When I walked down the aisle, I was a very scared bride. I was very happy but also very scared. It would be the biggest decision of my life next to receiving Jesus and I have no idea what life would be like after that.
Getting married has posed the toughest discipleship challenge in my life, more than living in a single parent family or joining staff.
It is not so much about my other half as it is with myself. When I said 'yes', I typically thought of the white lovely gown and life with the one I love. But as the wedding date drew nearer, I remember myself not caring about the beauty of the special day and not even looking forward to our life together.
In one of my most emotional times before the big day, I told God it felt like I was in Gethsamane. Where dreams, unborn, were buried.
It wasn't cos my Dad didn't want to walk me down the aisle (he did finally thank God), nor because my Mum wasn't there. It wasn't cos we didn't have money to go to somewhere we wanted for honeymoon.
But because I wanted a home of our own and we can't, for a long period of time. Many well meaning friends suggested various alternatives but as we worked out the sums, it was impossible to get a place till 4 years later.
My heart sank with disappointment. I thought God would provide. My mind was filled with questions and fears about with the impending housing arrangements to stay with my in-laws. No one could assure me of anything, though some tried. "Maybe God's giving you a Mum to live with now." was the worst thing I heard.
The whole thing brought out the worst in me. I saw my self centered desires and the enormous grip I had on them. I had no special verse to tide through the times like before. I knew I just had to let go. And trust God and Qingwen.
Getting married has posed the toughest discipleship challenge in my life, more than living in a single parent family or joining staff.
It is not so much about my other half as it is with myself. When I said 'yes', I typically thought of the white lovely gown and life with the one I love. But as the wedding date drew nearer, I remember myself not caring about the beauty of the special day and not even looking forward to our life together.
In one of my most emotional times before the big day, I told God it felt like I was in Gethsamane. Where dreams, unborn, were buried.
It wasn't cos my Dad didn't want to walk me down the aisle (he did finally thank God), nor because my Mum wasn't there. It wasn't cos we didn't have money to go to somewhere we wanted for honeymoon.
But because I wanted a home of our own and we can't, for a long period of time. Many well meaning friends suggested various alternatives but as we worked out the sums, it was impossible to get a place till 4 years later.
My heart sank with disappointment. I thought God would provide. My mind was filled with questions and fears about with the impending housing arrangements to stay with my in-laws. No one could assure me of anything, though some tried. "Maybe God's giving you a Mum to live with now." was the worst thing I heard.
The whole thing brought out the worst in me. I saw my self centered desires and the enormous grip I had on them. I had no special verse to tide through the times like before. I knew I just had to let go. And trust God and Qingwen.
Comments